Interviews taken from HermAphrodite #3

WHAT DO YOU WANT IN YOUR STOCKING?

( And Other Burning Festive Issues… )

In late 1997, I started asking the bands I interviewed about Christmas.

I think I was trying to find someone suffused with joy. (Ah well…)

Ya can choose from: The Beekeepers, The Flaming Stars, Jonathan Fire*Eater,

Scarfo, Sparklehorse, and Strangelove.

me - “What do you want from Santa?”

Jamie - “ Some new clothes... some money. I want to go away for New Year’s Eve...”

me - “ Nothing non-tangible though...”

Jamie - “ Ah no, there’s no point in putting on [ your list ] things you can’t get cos then you just end up disappointed don’t you?”

me - “ Okay. ( turning to Gaz ) And you, what do you want from Santa?”

Gaz - “ I don’t really want anything for Christmas: my sister was asking me this the other day and I couldn’t really think of anything to tell her.”

Jamie - “ Which inevitably means you’re going to end up with a jumper.”

Gaz - “ Well no, if my sister ever dares to buy me clothes she’s usually pretty cool with it... But my mum has this knack if getting something that look’s quite okay - you couldn’t wear it out but you’d wear it - and it’s inevitably got across the front in huge letters - ‘SKIING!’ Or ‘WATERSPORTS!’”

Jamie - “ Or ‘Campari’.”

Gaz - “ Mmm, yeah. About two years ago my mum bought me this coat and it’s STAGGERING, It’s like two coats in one, it’s green and it’s blue - this big fuck off anorak - and as soon as I looked at she started telling me how much it cost.”

Tree - “ He gave it to me and now I wear it to go clubbing...”

me ( ignoring Tree ) - “ Do you still have it ?”

Gaz - “ Oh yeah, I have to keep it for comedy potential. When new friends come round...”

I ask Julian what he wants from Santa. And am told, simply:

Julian - “ A fridge.”

That’s it. I ask if he wants anything in it, mishear the reply, and am left believing he wants a load of lard.

Actually lager. Easy mistake to make. Similarly cheap round...

And then, I asked of Julian’s bestest Christmas. Which was, in retrospect, a stupid stupid thing to do.

For him it was when he got a Grifton. Grifter. Or something. Which is a bike. Duh. Apparently.

Sensing my overwhelming ignorance, the band then take it upon themselves to teach me the scale of bike greatness, which is something like: Chopper > Tomahawk > Budgie

And then they start talking bikes. About the various levels of bikes. About the ones they always wanted but could never have. About the different colours and fancy gears you could have. And how the ones with the high seats neuter you.

And as they talk and talk, I begin to wonder - Were all small boys like this ? Or was it this, and not the love of punk, which united this group of people from an early age...

Finally, we escape the topic. When Tree then reappears, I take the opportunity to ask what he wants from Santa.

Tree - “ A Chopper. A Raleigh Chopper.”

( I start sobbing quietly )

Gaz - “ And I’ll have a Budgie. And I’m not on about bikes...”

We’d just left that conversation. We’d escaped the bikes thing. And then Tree says ‘Chopper’. And the whole thing begins again. And he’s started off about his childhood biking skateboarding anecdotes...

Oh, and the Entertainments Officer at Teesside University whom Tree begins to interview wants ‘to spend lots of lovely time with my girlfriend...’ for Christmas. And he should’ve done. So that’s alright then. And a pair of plane tickets to Jamaica.

Tree - “ I thought you were going to say ‘I want a pair’...”

me - “ Well do you want a pair for Christmas ?”

Tree - “ Oh no, I’ve got a pair. I’m more than ample. ”

( Which is, yes, why he’s with the band. Apparently. )

And then I’m accused of looking at his bra - and I, not being Bob Mortimer, swiftly change the subject.

me - “What do you want for Xmas from Santa?”

Matt - " Some more winter gear [ ie scarf set, not anything naughty ]..."

Stewart - " A new record. And some time off - I think we'd all like that."

Walt - " Yeah, that's what I want. Three... no four months off."

Becca - " So how long have you been going, up until this point...?"

Stewart - " Um ( starts giggling ) two weeks..."

They do work till they drop ( 'we've dropped a lot' ) but they do get back up again.

( You're never gonna keep them down. )

Best Xmas? Any since childhood? At all?

Nope, in Walt's case.

Stewart - " I had a good Christmas at my uncle's house in North Carolina and he has kids, and we were on a mountaintop... fireplace... and the kids got really excited... It's always better when there are kids there... I mean I had Christmas with my parents recently, and I think we went out and saw a movie or something - it does kind of go downhill when you get older..."

( Proving that he and Jamie Scarfo ARE INDEED the same person. )

me - “ And what about you? When was your best Christmas?”

Matt - " When I was blind."

Stewart - " When you were blind???"

Matt - " D'you remember that? ( Stewart looks blank ) I got hit in the eye with a tennis ball thrown real hard by a baseball player... And I had to get it patched up, but I had to patch up the other eye too cos if I moved it the other one hurt. And it happened to be around Christmas - and I was heavily medicated... ( Stewart starts laughing ) So I was blind and I would have to open my presents and then my sister would have to tell me what I'd got, it was really kinda sad..."

me - " How old were you?"

Matt - " Around fifteen, sixteen..."

Becca - " Why was that your best Christmas ?"

Matt - " Oh it wasn't, it was just the most memorable..."

Stewart - " Often times best is worst..."

me - “ What do you want from Santa?”

Max - “ An end to Christmas: I can’t stand it. It was always the most miserable time of the year when I was growing up - everyone locks themselves in houses with each other and everyone shouts. It’s one of those times where you’re obliged to be happy. And if you’re not, it twists the knife in... My ideal Xmas is just ignoring everyone and staying away from the television. And the adverts on the television, which seem to start in about August... The tunes as well: you go shopping and you’re hearing Christmas carols everywhere you go...”

me - “ Would you rather Christmas carols or Slade?”

Max - “ Slade. Any day of the week.”

me - “ So what’s been your bestest Christmas...?”

( thinks about it )

Max - “ Well as I say, mostly the best has been the one I’ve managed to avoid the most... Lock the doors, sit there with a couple of friends, watch the films, get drunk and pretend it’s not happening. I don’t really do decorations or anything...””

me - “ But you do still do the presents thing, just avoiding the church and media...”

Max - “ Oh yeah - that’s the nice thing about it, it’s an excuse to give your friends presents. But I’m unlikely to be descending at any great speed down anyone’s chimney, yelling ‘HoHoHo’...”

me - " What do you want from Santa?"

Al - " I want Santa's helper, to do my washing, and paint my room. I want to borrow him for a week."

Nick - " A big bottle of vodka, and some money."

Jamie - " I'd like a puppy."

Nick - " You won't have time to look after it."

Jamie - " Oh, I just want a puppy for Christmas..."

They like it because they get time off. Not because it is one long hangover.

When I asked when they had had their bestest Christmas, it’s generally agreed that they fell between the time when they can first remember doing anything much at all ( about age-three ) to the time where they started leaving childhood-proper behind ( somewhere around ten years old ).

And that nothing since really compares.

Cos you can't look at anything with that same innocence & joy - the world does not, you know now, solely revolve around the acquisition of toys.

( And as an adult, that ( mission ) is not what you have devoted your life to, as once you may have wished... )

That said...

Jamie - " Actually, last Christmas was the best I'd had for ages cos all the kids [ nephews, nieces... ] were there, and all those toys... And you start getting that feeling back - you're excited because they're SO excited. And they're almost shaking with excitement because they get to unwrap the presents..."

me - " So it's about buying presents and making other people happy..."

Jamie - "Yeah. That's a nice way of putting it. ( thinks about it ) It's about buying presents, and making other people buy you more presents."

Al - " We've given up buying each other presents in my family because there's too many kids, so we just buy them for the kids now - it's the official new law. Which I quite like, because I get to go and buy toys... Whereas I'll be thinking 'What does my mum want - she's fucking got everything...' And I'll go and spend days looking for something, and end up buying her a plant. She's got loads..."

me - " You wouldn't ever make her anything, cos. your parents are always saying that..."

Jamie - " Yeah - I made my mum this little doll thing out of pipe-cleaners, and she really liked that. That was quite a while ago though. ( starts giggling )"

And yes, he is creative in other ways too...

Jamie - " I draw all my own little Christmas card things for my family... There's always joke ones of my family looking stupid. And it's fun... But I don't really see art for that, it's not really for presents."

me - “ What are you doing for Christmas ?”

Nick - " I'm going to go abroad, I think."

me - " Do you not like your family ?"

Nick - " I've had a bit of a hard time with my family the last Christmas, so I'm going to absent myself. But I wish everyone else and all your readers ( this guy should do voice overs ) the happiest of Christmases."

me - " What do you want from Santa ?"

Nick - " Um... Just a nice bottle of malt whiskey. ( frowns a bit ) Oh I can never think of presents, people always ask me what I want... ( lightning strikes ) A computer ! Yeah, I'd want a computer."

And Strangelove are probably NOT all gonna be giving each other presents.

Christmas presents. End of tour presents. Middle of tour presents...

Nick - " We know how we all feel about each other, we don't express it with material possessions. That would cheapen it... You can't put a price on love. Or wrap it up... That's my top tip."

me - " What do you want from Santa?"

Mark - " A baby."

me - " Is that likely? This Christmas?"

Mark. " Totally. ( pause ) The timing's a little out though... Oh, and new tyres for my motorcycle. They're dangerously bald."

me - " And you? What do you want from Santa?"

Scott - " Some free air miles. My girlfriend lives in Brussels. I live in New York... I'm spending my first Christmas in Europe this year."

Mark - " I’d like to get snowed in."

me - " What's been your best Christmas?"

Mark ( his voice is smiling ) - "The year I got my first guitar."

me - " How old were you?"

Mark - " Seven. I got a little plastic acoustic guitar. Johnny Cash had his own TV show in the States for a while, and he was my favourite, so my parents bought me a little acoustic guitar."

me - " Had you been playing anything before that?"

Mark - " No..."

me - " You didn’t bang around on pots and pans or anything...?"

Mark ( happily ) - " No."

me - " Have you had a Christmas that you really liked since you stopped being a little kid?"

Mark - " No I don't think I really have."

Andrew - " Guess what I'm doing the day before Christmas... Have you ever heard of Tommy Tune, the Broadway 'actor'...? ( tries to stop himself laughing ) Well I, ( pause for effect )... am playing his Christmas party. AAAARGH..."

( chorus of general reprimands from all nearby )

Scott ( helpfully )- " He's a comedian on the side."

Mark ( troubled ) - " Isn't that that Joseph the Technicolor Dreamcoat guy?"

me - " He saw me playing at this nightclub with this totally crazy cabaret singer I work with and he was like 'I LOVE you guys, you're so WONDERFUL, there's so much SPIRIT, will you play for my party???' And of course Peggy was like ( goes all breathless and female ) 'OhAndrewitwasTommyTune, he's WONDERFUL..."

me - " Are you getting a lot of money for it?"

Andrew - " Uh-huh. A couple of thousand for the band."

Mark - " D'you need a guitar player...?"

And then that’s it.

If you’ve now completely forgotten what the point of celebrating Christmas is, I’d advise you to visit a church. And maybe watch ‘The Muppet Christmas Carol.’

Here’s till next year.

Calvin & Hobbes cartoon © Bill Waterson

Last revised: 26/07/01