Interview taken from HermAphrodite #8.
me - “So what does the future hold for your published output ?”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK-SQUEAK. SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK. SQUEAK.”
me - “Really? When will that be out?”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK.”
me - “Ah. Not so much ‘when I need the money’ as ‘when I have the
time’.”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK.”
me - “So in time for the Christmas market ?”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK?”
me - “Oh; the Hogswatch market.”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
Put it in the diary folks. That one’s going to be biiig.
And, then, somewhat pertinently...
me - “So how do you have time to come over here, do all your filming
and writing, while still holding down a - very important - job on the
Discworld?”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK.”
me ( wryly ) - “I had imagined it would be.”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK. SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK. SQUEAK.
SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
me - “Ah.”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK. SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK. SQUEAK.
SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
me - “Really?”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK. SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK. SQUEAK.
SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
me - “Mmm-hmm.”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK?”
Yes. I think I do. ( pause ) Basically then, all time outside of
the Discworld does not exist ( which is why He thinks our passport &
immigration are getting themselves into a Morpok Stew for nothing ). And so The
Death Of Rats is immortal for as long as there remains a job for Him to do. And
as time is an irrelevant concept to Him anyway - He sees it as all-enveloping
rather than linear - he doesn’t have to worry about ‘fitting everything in’. Or
keeping an appointments diary. As He’s already done everything. Because the
future is irrevelant.
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
me - “Exactly.”
And after that, just to give my brain a chance to dribble back
into place, I asked the first thing that found its neon way onto the
message-board at the centre of my head, what I thought was an easy question. Do
you like jam ?
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK.”
But also.
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK.”
He’s never had jam, by the very nature of His being, although He
likes the idea of jam, and the way the word sits on the tongue. If you have a
tongue. Or on what would be a tongue, were you to not be a skeletal entity.
Schnarf.
me - “Are you interested in philosophy?”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
me - “I suppose you can’t really help it, can you?”
And He is, for all that, remarkably well grounded. The Death Of
Rats knows exactly what he’s doing, will always tell you the truth, and
practices what He preaches. Which does make him, I suppose, the perfect
candidate for the perfect self-help guide. He’s even keeping to this month’s
list of short-term goals - his only remaining ‘missions’ for August are to find
a new tailor, visit the hamster-cages in the homes of his detractors, and to
get Terry Pratchett’s books filed not under ‘fiction’, but rather ‘history’.
And from that turn of the conversation, we move off onto the various tabloid
allegations that have been flung his way...
me - “Number One - The Death Of Rats Is A Puppet.”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK-SQUEAK!”
And with that, he lifts up the edges of his robe, and dances
around the table in fury.
Alright. He is definitely not a puppet.
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
Or a muppet.
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
Or an animatronic creature designed to boost Terry Pratchett’s
flagging career. As The Death Of Rats says, there are now over twenty of
Terry’s books in the Discworld historical chronicles, none of which show signs
of decreasing in popularity.
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK. SQUEAK. SQUEAK.
SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
And yes, that ‘pet shop incident’ certainly proved The Daily Mail
wrong.
me - “So you’d also deny that you’re a Russian spy, the
protagonist in an X-Files style cover-up involving sweet-corn, the new face of
Estee Lauder, and a national hallucination brought about by mass-ingestion of
dodgy gorgonzola...?”
He starts laughing. I think that’s a no.
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
me - “Alright then.”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK.”
me - “I’ve also heard a rumour that you might be launching your
own range of dolls...”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK?”
me - “No, that look like you.”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
Evidently not.
It would seem that the Discworld models - He is apparently
delighted with His - are as far as he is likely to tread in the ‘toy market’.
Although, as we both agree, ‘world domination’ can be achieved through other
mediums.
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
me - “Well of course I wouldn’t have thought that you REALLY
wanted to take over...”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
me - “But yes. It’s nice you’re going to leave us to it.”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
me - “Exactly.”
And with that, we are interrupted. Time’s up apparently.
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
I don’t think His press officer has quite got her head around the
Death of Rats’ concept of ( ignoring ) time.
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
Heh-heh.
me - “So, do you have anything else you want to share ? Or is that
it until the Hogswatch book bonanza?”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK. SQUEAK.”
And that, as they say, is that.
Last
revised: 26/07/01