Interview taken from HermAphrodite #8
And He’s back in the country and available to talk to? Well, how could I resist that?
“It was about six inches high. It wore a black robe.
It held a small scythe in one skeletal paw. A bone-white nose with brittle grey
whiskers protruded from the shadowy hood.”
- ‘Reaper Man’
The Death Of Rats needs no real introduction. Mostly because ones
have already been made.
He’s a subsidiary of Death and appears as such, He’s never
anywhere without his scythe, He mostly deals with rodents ( but can fit
hamsters and gerbils into his schedule if necessary ), and is currently sitting
in front of me in his agent’s London office, sniffing experimentally around a
doner kebab. All of which is, admittedly, slightly peculiar for me - I’ve read
so much about Him I feel as though I already know Him, and yet I’m slightly (
can I say it ? ) star-struck to meet Him. 
But as it was, He was very easy to talk to, all charm
and smiles and whisker-wrinkling. And He even apologised for my having to
travel for the interview - initially, I
had hoped to catch Him on the book-tour, and do it at the Lightwater Valley
theme park, as the idea of taking The Death Of Rats on The Rat, a ride which
celebrates both His kind and His work, really tickled me. But when it came to
it, His schedule didn’t allow for a trip this far North, and so the interview
was conducted in the middle of a day-long round of press. Which worked out
alright. Although there were some restraints placed on our conversations
because of this - most notably on time, I was given a twenty minute window in
His day - but also on conversation topics. I was ‘strongly advised’ to steer
clear of the recent ‘pet shop incident’ ( suffice it to say that the owners are
now suing Biz-R, as well as The Daily Mail ), as well as His rumoured
engagement to Paula Yates. I was also advised not to take any pictures - advice
which I happily ignored, and then found that, as I had been forewarned, in the
event none of them came out properly. ( Had I thought about it, this was
probably to be expected. As His press photo is a portrait painting. )
But then, with all that out of the way, we were free to start.
I begin by asking Him whether he has a ‘real’ name, whether Death
of Rats is just his work title - I was fishing for embarrassments here ( ‘Is
your real name Bob ?’ ) but also for the correct way in which to address Him. (
If you were interviewing Richard Branson for example, you would not refer to
him throughout as Chairman Of The Board. Or whatever. ) I am told that Death of
Rats is his only moniker, that he’s never needed a ‘less formal’ title. But the
question has evidently intrigued him.
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK. SQUEAK ?”
( pause )
I study him carefully.
me - “Well, I think you look like a Clarence.”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK ?”
me - “Oh yes. Or maybe a Jeremy.”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK.”
me - “Well then, use Clarence.”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK.”
me - “You’re welcome.”
And then we’re off...
me - “Why do you think we need a self-help guide to happiness from
a skeletal entity from another reality ?”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK. SQUEAK.
SQUEAK.”
me - “Really ?”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK.”
me - “So is that what you see is missing from all the other
psycho-babble’ books, as you put it ?”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK.”
me - “Is money a factor in all this ?”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK.”
me - “Not at all?”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK.”
me - “I suppose so. ( pause ) So does that mean that you’re just
doing this out of a simple desire to share your knowledge and make people’s
lives a little better in the process ?”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK.”
me - “So has this method worked for you ?”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK.”
me - “And you think it’s suitable for humans ? ”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK.”
me - “Well, it hasn’t been out for long enough to attract
complaints.”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK ?”
me - “Yes. Well, I’m only up to the ‘Mirrors and You’ Chapter.”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK?”
me - “Mmmm-hmm.”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK.”
me - “Thankyou.”
I still haven’t finished the book, so I can’t wholly recommend it
just yet, although, even if it doesn’t produce the desired results, it still
makes for a fascinating read. It should be purchased just for The Death Of
Rats’ ideas ( and diagrams ) about the healing properties of spinach &
raisins alone.
me - “So is writing where you want to be ? Could you see yourself giving
up the dayjob and just concentrating on that ?”
Apparently not. For one thing, He enjoys his work too much.
There’s also the slughtly more complicated deciding factor that, because of the
nature of his existence, were The Death of Rats to cease to work as The Death
of Rats, he would cease to exist.
me - “Doesn’t that worry you ? Don’t you feel compelled to just
kill a couple of things now and then just to prove that you’re still working ?”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK.”
me - “Oh.”
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK. SQUEAK-SQUEAK... SQUEAK.”
me - “Well yes. You are very good at both. As I’m sure you’re
constantly being told.”
He shoots a wry look through the open door towards the other room,
at his ever-watchful / proprietary agent.
Death of Rats - “SQUEAK.”
Heh-heh.
>>> Part 3
Last
revised: 26/07/01