Interview taken ( & edited ) from HermAphrodite #9.

And from that, I consult my little book of questions. I have some Nietzschean ones for him. Because I was told that Nietzsche was the belief-system backbone to The League. However, Simon doesn’t think he would build his city on the slopes of Vesuvius, either metaphorically or literally. He doesn’t believe that there is no God, nor does he go for the idea that there is no ordering principle to the world. He also denies basing the act around Nietzsche, that being something he ‘just said once’, and although did once do an act as the League which had ‘Zarathstrusa’ in the title, that was as much for the gloriousness of the word as for its connotations. Shall we just move on then ?

me – “How integral is the external to The League ?”

Simon – “How what ?”

me – “Could you be The League without the glasses and frilly shirt ?”

Simon – “Yes.”

me – “Did you buy those trousers specifically ?”

‘Those trousers’ being tight-striped zebra legs, with pockets, and quite unlike any trousers I have seen before or since.

Simon – “I was given them.”

me – “Like a Christmas jumper present from an Aunt you feel compelled to wear out of family duty, or a present for you as the character ?”

Simon – “They’re Jeff Green’s, the comedian Jeff Green.”

me – “Did he buy them on purpose ?”

Simon – “He did buy them on purpose for himself. Though nowadays when he buys clothes he just thinks of me. We often discuss what he’s wearing and when I’ll get it.”

He doesn’t have any other trouser dealers.

Simon – “No. Most of my trousers come from Jeff.”

Okay. And then onto other external items...

me – “What’s your happiest prop ?”

Simon – “My happiest ?”

me – “The one that makes you happiest...”

He thinks about it for a moment.

Simon – “I think it’s marijuana.”

me – “It’s not quite a prop though.”

Simon – “Oh I assure you, it is.”

Pedant.

me – “Stage prop, rather than a personal prop.”

Simon – “I assure you it is.”

I make him chose a non-narcotic aid.

Simon – “Probably the hat.”

Which now out-ranks the ridiculously large shoes in his affections. He’s moving on.

Simon – “I’m about to make another little leap. As of Monday.”

For then he will get his ( Samuel Beckett inspired ) new toy.

Simon – “”It’s a little helmet, with a camera that comes over the mouth. And a camera facing forward. You can flip between the rabbiting mouth onscreen and other pictures of stuff, with a computer keyboard like a guitar. And I’m going to pretend to be The Clash.”

He’s very proud of this.

Simon – “It’ll be the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen.”

me – “Were you born in the right time ?”

Simon – “Yeah !”

He’s found his niche, and his medium, and has the technology to accompany them both.

Simon – “I think – and I’m not alone in this – that TV is a very powerful medium. And there’s always a danger of it falling into the wrong hands. There’s a very strong possibility that it already has. I want to make TV - why shouldn’t I make TV ? So I decided to have a go at it. And I wanted to do it live, I think it should be live. They make TV, they edit it, they play it to people, they count how many watched, and that’s how good it is. But they don’t really know how those people watched, what they thought of it.”

Which is why The League... chooses to make the TV live, in front of the audience who also then become TV.

Simon – “It’s like doing an Unplugged set.”

me – “Would you want your own Channel, or Station, or Broadcasting Network ?”

Simon – “Yes, that’s what I want. TV is a communication device, that’s all it is. But it’s used as a shouting medium; when it’s on it wants you to buy something.”

He can see a different future for it.

Simon – “I’m going to travel around the country in a silver ship, a land ship, like as carnival float type thing. With a mast, on which is a sail, which is a screen. And there’s a projector at the front. And then I’ll park in village greens, and leave a sign saying ‘Show Starts At Ten p.m., see how many people turn up, and do a show. Like that. Just get completely outside the commercial world, and park in a field.”

As it’s free, everyone there is without expectations – the audience aren’t just out to get their money’s worth, the entertainer isn’t just out to give them their money’s worth.

Simon – “I want to make TV and broadcast it to the people watching it, all at the same time.”

Preferably in a field, on a silver ship, with a helmet on.

Simon – “I’m going to attempt to travel around the country very slowly, building up an army, and then take over and become King.”

me – “Okay. (Pause) Do you think it’s good for you to get your despotic tendencies out via The League Against Tedium ?”

Simon – “I think so, yes.”

me – “Would you otherwise be trying to rule the world, in a Pinky & The Brain style-ee.”

Simon – “No, I am actually trying to rule the world.”

me – “Just through a character medium so as no-one gets scared.”

Simon –“Mmm.”

me – “That’s very cunning.”

Simon – “I reckon if everyone in the country accepts that you’re King, then you’re King, aren’t you ? So you go around the country very slowly, asking people ‘Can I be King ? I’m not going to do anything. Just when I ask, say yes.’”

me – “You could have an ‘It’s a Knockout’ fight with Prince Charles. And those big cotton-buds.”

Simon – “I’m willing to deal with him.”

And for The Millennium, he also has fantastic plans.

Simon – “I’m going to do a gig, at Lizard Point, in Cornwall. It’s the most Southern point of England. In my silver ship.”

And thus will his domination start...

Last revised: 26/07/01