Questionnaire Of Crap Band Inquiries That Need To Be Answered Once & Only Once In Every Career (Just To Get Them Out Of The Way)

As inspired by me. (And my own interviewing experience.)

FOR SOLO ACTS:

Is that your real name?

If not: What is your real name?

Couldn’t you think of a better stage-name?

FOR BANDS:

Where did you get your name from?

Is there a funny story attached to the thinking up of that name? Does it involve drugs in any way?

If there is no funny story attached to the thinking up of that name, please make one up anyway.

What was the name of your first band? (Haha.)

Where are you from?

What’s it like, being from there?

(If the above was answered with anything less than a sentence, please take the time to describe it anecdotally, at a reasonable paragraph-length.)

Was it shit? Come on, you can tell me.

Is your ‘sound’ representative of other bands from that area?

Could you name a few of them, so as we can lump you all in together to try and create a homogenised scene out of you?

What are you qualified for? Why aren’t you doing that now?

How did you get started in this bizness? Were you shit?

Who have you met/worked-with that is more famous & interesting than you? Tell us about them.

Which famous people have been spotted in your audience? (N.B. At least one must be mentioned. Without such endorsements, you will never progress in this industry…)

Who are your influences?

If you would like to be compared to any one of these people, please stipulate here, as it would make our job that much easier.

If you would like to deny plagiarising any one of these people, please stipulate here.

Why did you choose THAT cover-version?

What does the original artist think about it? No, really?

What was the first record you bought?

What was really the first record you bought? (Haha.)

How are you coping with the pressures of stardom?

What’s the most rock n’ roll thing you’ve done?

When you fail to make it to your live engagements and are photographed looking rough as a badger’s arse in the tabloids, will you blame either:

a) illness?

b) nervous exhaustion?

c) unfortunate addiction to drink/soft-drugs/pain-killers that your family & friends are helping you get through in these hard hard times?

Is there anyone you’d like to slag off without provocation?

Oh, go on.

Please?

I bet them new Camden oiks’ve said you’re all twats.

No, they did. Honest.

Yeah, they are arseholes, aren’t they…?

Are you:

a) just in it for the music, man, and if anyone else likes it that’s a bonus?

b) just doing this for attention?

c) just doing this to get laid?

Is it working? I always wanted to be a musician you know…

See how similar these questions are to the comedy ones? It’s almost as though you could get away with a generic questionnaire for every single person you’d ever want to chat to near some ort of recording/broadcasting device…

Last revised: 19/08/01