Interview taken from HermAphrodite #4?

me - “ Happiness or being content ?”

Gaz - “ Being content.”

me - “ Ooooh, but then you’re not pushed to do anything else.”

Gaz - “ But you know happiness is like, on a timer.”

me - “ But if you’re content you’re like, sterile.”

Gaz - “ I don’t mind being sterile...”

me - “ Cats or dogs ?”

Tree - “ Well I’m allergic to cats. But I do like ‘em.”

Gaz - “ Cats. Because you can do this great thing with cats that I used to do to mine before they both died...”

me - “ Is this evil ?”

Gaz - “ Yes !”

me - “ Oh good...”

Gaz - “ Get an empty crisp packet, and put it over the cat’s head, and he walks backwards in a zigzag trying to get it off, to get away. And you know when you put your cat in the fridge...”

me - “ Buzzcocks or the Undertones ? And I don’t wanna start a fight about this, you’ve got to be concise.”

Tree - “ I think Buzzcocks for me.”

Gaz - “ Both.”

me - “ You have to choose.”

Gaz - “ I can’t.”

Tree - “ That is a bad one.”

me - “ Slade or Wham ?”

Tree - “ Slade ! Definitely.”

Gaz - “ Wham.”

me - “ Dentist or doctor ?”

Gaz - “ Doctor.”

Tree - “ Dentist.”

me - “ Jamie ?”

Jamie - “ Doctor.”

Tree - “ Noo, dentist. Cos he’ll never ever ask you to get your knob out, your old chap, but a doctor just might.”

me - “ Mmm, you probably wouldn’t be going to the dentist with old chap problems.”

Gaz - “ Unless you’ve got a couple of teeth stuck in it.”

me - “ But would you then go to the dentist or the doctor ?”

Gaz - “ I’d go to the dentist just to show him.”

me - “ Blinds or curtains ?”

Gaz ( to the fanzine ) - “ Bastard, I nearly did this !”

Tree - “ Curtains.”

me ( to Gaz ) - “ Oi ! Blinds or curtains ?”

Gaz - “ Blinds.”

me - “ Perfume or aftershave.”

Gaz - “ Perfume.”

Tree - “ Um.. it depends where you put it on... I don’t wear aftershave.”

me - “ But you do wear perfume ?

Tree - “ No, but I like the smell of some of them.”

me - “ Mr Men or Winnie the Pooh ?”

Tree - “ Mr Men - Winnie the Pooh just never did it for me I’m afraid.”

and I’ve rapidly lost control now...

Tree is doing Mr Kipling impressions. And these ones ( ‘caught some young rascals in the orchard’ ) would NEVER get on the air...

me - “ Christmas or birthday ?”

Tree - “ Christmas I think.”

Gaz - “ Birthday.”

Jamie - “ Birthday.”

Tree - “ I’d rather give presents than receive them. And I like seeing the disappointment on people’s faces when you’ve given them something really naff, like that you’ve made out of an egg-box and some tissue.”

me - “ Circles or squares ?”

Tree - “ Squares. Circles are just bastards to draw, aren’t they...?”

me - “ But they’re concentric. And they can be perfect.”

Tree - “ Naah, not when you haven’t got a compass.”

Gaz - “ Squares. Cos you can’t draw a perfect circle.”

me - “ Ever ?”

Gaz - “ No.”

me ( slightly crushed ) - “ How do you know ?”

Gaz - “ I read it somewhere.”

me - “ Left or right ?”

Gaz - “ Left.”

Tree - “ Left. Uh, d’you mean politically speaking ?”

Jamie - “ Very very very far right.”

Tree - “ He was thrown out of the Nazi party for being too keen.”

me - “ Cars or trains ?”

Tree - “ Big dustbin lorries.”

me - “ Passion or long-life ?”

Jamie ( instantly ) - “ Passion.”

Gaz - “ Passion.”

Tree - “ I want a bit of both. I want to live to be able to say I’ve lived.”

me - “ Boots or trainers ?”

Tree - “ Boots.”

Gaz - “ Boots.”

( and then I think Jamie agrees too. but he’s too far from the tape recorder )

Gaz ( still on the Crystal Maze Game ) - “ I thought I’d done this then, but I hadn’t.”

I give him a clue

me - “ Richard or Judy ?”

Tree - “ Richard... Judy’s never there.”

Gaz - “ Judy’s an alcoholic. You can see it in her face, she’s got the shakes real bad...”

me - “ Noel Edmonds or Jeremy Beadle ?”

Tree - “ Jeremy Beadle. Cos he’s got a little hand. Like Combat Johnny.”

me - “ So what, the other one’s way way bigger ?”

Gaz ( insistent ) - “ He’s got a gammy hand.”

Tree - “ It’s not gammy, it’s just little. Which is really good for when you drop things down the back of the fridge.”

me - “ So he could be like a call-out service. ( to Jamie ) Did you say spatula ?”

Jamie - “ Yeah, it’s more a spatula than a hand.”

I have NO RECOLLECTION of this conversation.

me - “ Anthea Turner or Julia Carling ?”

Tree - “ I fucking hate Anthea Turner.”

and then I take the time to have them clear up some of life’s mysteries

me - “ Bungle only wore clothing when it was time for bed. Why ?”

Tree - “ Because he didn’t want to get his fur trapped in Zippy’s gob. Which would be quite painful.”

me - “ Babies or pets ?”

Jamie - “ Babies.”

Tree - “ Pets.”

Gaz - “ Pets.”

me - “ Why ?”

Gaz - “ Cos you can put empty crisp packets over their heads.”

me - “ Yeah, but babies love you, and that’s the only person that they look to.”

Tree - “ Cats do.”

me - “ Cats are more human than babies are.”

Tree - “ There’s plenty of selfish bastards in the world, I can tell you, and most of them ain’t cats... Cats are great, Cats don’t knob your girlfriend.”

me - “ You would hope not.”

Tree - “Pets. Cos you can love them and leave them. You can’t go round to your neighbour’s and go ‘Mr Nelson, I’m going to be away for a couple of weeks, go round to mine and feed the kid...’

me - “ Sesame Street or the Muppets Tonite ?”

Jamie - “ Muppets...”

Gaz - “ Sesame Street without Big Bird.”

me - “ But he can roller-skate. And he’s the only 6 foot tall bird that can.”

Tree - “ Where did they come up with Big Bird from ?”

me - “ Exactly.”

Is that a good note to leave it on ?

It’s where my tape died.

Any more and you’d probably overload...

Last revised: 26/07/01