Interview taken from HermAphrodite #4?

N.B. ‘The Beekeepers’ have since split, and from the ashes there rises… Lucas J.

Jamie’s still singing too, you know.

me - “ Jamie Theakston or Jayne Middlemiss ?”

Tree - “ As what ?”

me - “ As people. Well, which one would you shag, first of all, them which one do you like ?”

Tree - “ Well if I choice of shagging either of them - or both of them - I’d go for Miss Middlemiss.”

me - “ And Gaz ?”

Gaz - “ Ooh... Um... Ah...”

Tree - “ You quite like him don’t you Gaz?”

Gaz - “ He’s alright inne? He’s quite sweet...”

Tree - “ Many a good man’s turned to the sins of the bottom on the road.”

me - “ Smash Hits or Q ?”

Tree - “ Both.”

me - “ Choose.”

Tree - “ Q.”

Gaz - “ Smash Hits then.”

Tree - “ We always disagree.”

Gaz - “Mmm, it’s just a matter of principle.”

me - “ Gary Larson or Snoopy ?”

Gaz - “ Gary Larson.”

Tree - “ Snoopy.”

me - “ You don’t have to be pedantic about this.”

Tree - “ Ah no, I like Snoopy, I think he’s a funny dog.”

me - “ Pink or blonde ?”

Gaz ( slowly ) - “ Blonde.”

Tree - “ Hair ?”

me - “ Just generally.”

Tree - “ Blonde yeah, I have to say.”

Gaz - “ Pink.”

me - “ Fish or fowl.”

Gaz - “ Fowl.”

Tree - “ Yeah, fowl for me. Cos it always last for a little bit longer in the fridge, dunnit ?”

me - “ McDonald’s or Burger King ?”

Gaz “ McDonalds !”

Tree - “ Burger King !”

me - “ Why ? Flame grilled or better toys ?”

Gaz - “ There’s more McDonald’s stuff - value meals are good.”

Tree - “ Burger King are smaller... less corporate... It’s more politically correct to go there...”

Gaz - “ But they pay their staff 1p !”

Tree - “ That’s true actually. ( pause ) None. Kentucky Fried Chicken !”

me - “ Beer or spirits ?”

Gaz ( ponderously ) - “ Spirits.”

Tree - “ Beer.”

me - “ You [ Gaz ]’re down on your website [ factfile ] as just drinking tea though.”

Gaz - “ No, no, I didn’t say that. No, no. No... The question was, ‘what is your favourite drink ?’ And I answered tea. Cos tea is.”

me - “ Any particular kind of tea ?”

Gaz - “ Just tea, in a cup.”

me - “ Not like banana tea or...”

Gaz ( desperately ) - “Nooo. Don’t tamper with tea.”

Tree - “ Don’t mess with his tea...”

me - “ Tooth faery or existential nihilism. ( pause ) I was kinda ‘depressed’ when I wrote that one.”

Tree - “ Tooth faery. Cos I don’t know what the other one is.”

Gaz - “ Existential nihilism. I’m going for that too.”

Tree - “ Yeah, uh, I’ll go for that.”

me - “ Duvet or sheets ?”

Gaz - “ Duvet.”

Tree - “ Yes.”

Gaz ( thinks about it some more ) - “ Oh no, sheets.”

me - “ ‘Skon’ or ‘scown’ ?”

Gaz - “ Scown !”

Tree - “ Scown, definitely, yeah.”

me - “ Snooker or pool ?”

Gaz - “Snooker.”

Tree - “ Yeah, I like a game of snooker. In fact, I beat The Famous Russian snooker player in a friendly. His name’s Inoff the Red.”

me - “ Gaz... Apartment or garden ?”

Gaz - “ Apartment.”

Tree - “ Definitely yeah. When I was a kid I had it all the time, my dad was always in the bloody garden. Drunk. He’d be locked out, and my mum’d say ‘you’re not coming in till you’ve sobered up’ so he’d start weeding.”

me - “ NME or Melody Maker ? Or neither cos they’ve both gone a bit... pants.”

Tree - “ Well it depends which one we’re going to be in.”

me - “ Well which one do you read ?”

Gaz ( decisively ) - “ Melody Maker.”

me - “ Sound.”

Tree - “ Yeah, I’ll go for that one as well.”

me - “ Fast Show or Shooting Stars ?”

Gaz - “ FAST SHOW !”

Tree - “ Well, I like a good war film...”

me - “ That wasn’t an alternative.”

Tree - “ The Fast Show then.”

me - “ Dawn or sunset ?”

Tree - “ I don’t really pay much attention to either of them...”

Gaz - “ Dawn, cos I’d like to see one.”

me - “ Lake or mountains ?”

Tree - “ Ooh, lake. Bit of fishing.”

Gaz - “ Mountains.”

me - “ Squirrel or badger ?”

Gaz - “ Badger. Cos I know that you like badgers.”

me ( warily ) - “HOW ?”

Gaz - “ Cos you wrote that thing in here [ HermAphrodite #2 ]...”

Tree - “ Well being a keen badger baiter I’d have to say badgers...”

me - “ North or South ?”

Tree - “ North.”

Gaz - “ South.”

me - “ Hugs or cuddles ?”

Tree - “ They’re both the same.”

Claire - “ Yeah.”

me - “ Not necessarily. There’s a difference.”

Tree - “ No there isn’t.”

me - “ Cuddles are more affectionate. Hugs you can give to anybody.”

Gaz - “ Hugs then.”

Tree - “ But cuddles. I like cuddles.”

me - “ Cuddles the Monkey or Orville ?”

Tree - “ Orville.”

Gaz - “ Cuddles the Monkey.”

me - “ He was evil though. And he was bright orange.”

( Gaz thinks on this for a moment )

Gaz - “ But Orville was a little whining shit.”

me - “ Tart or prude ?”

Tree - “ Tart or what, prunes ?”

me - “ Prude, I wouldn’t give you prunes.”

Tree - “ Tart, I like tarts.”

Gaz - “ Prudes then.”

me - “ Transformers or Action Man ?”

Tree - “ Ah, Action Man !”

Gaz ( gleeful ) - “ Combat Johnny !”

me - “ That sounds really dodgy.”

Gaz - “ I’ve never seen one. They were the poor kids equivalent of Action Man.”

Tree - “ Oh yeah, you picked ‘em up and their boots fell off straight away...”

Gaz - “ Excellent !”

Tree - “ ...so they were no good in battle cos they were already in stockingfeet...”

Gaz - “ Oh I think my brother had one...”

Tree - “ Combat Johnny was just pants, he floated in the bath...”

me - “ Kermit The Frog or Gizmo the Mogwai.”

Gaz - “ Gizmo I think, cos he’s quite cool.”

Tree - “ Kermit.”

me - “ That one is a horrible choice...”

me - “ Dead or alive?”

Gaz - “ Alive.”

Tree - “ When I was younger, I wanted to be dead, cos I wanted people to cry over me grave... going ‘Oh, we misunderstood him, killing that cat...’

me - “ Sindy or Barbie ?”

Gaz - “ Ken.”

me - “ It’s not an option.”

Gaz - “ Combat Barbie !”

Tree - “ I came home from school one day only to find that my Action Man was in bed with Barbie, and my sister was like ‘they’re going out now’... And I was like ‘he is NOT’, and I got my tank, and I drove it over the bed...”

>>> Part 2

Last revised: 26/07/01